Arrrrrggggghhhhh!
I have recently noticed that my blogs have been meaningless of late. Sure, babies are cute and questionnaires are fun, but I feel the need to write something that touches the very heart of mankind. Something that is relevant to our time. Something that can bring a wistful smile to the pioneers and adventurers, cause the weak to tremble, perplex bright students, and alter the very course of history.
That something--or more correctly, someone--is the pirate.
On 5 November, 2005, pirates attempted an attack on a 440 foot cruise liner off the coast of Somalia, and now the ensuing search for the "mother ship" has begun. The goal is to find these harbingers of maritime terror, bring them to justice, and ensure that the waters of this planet are crime-free.
But do we really want to be rid of pirates?
What if the pirates promised not to be mean, gave up their guns, and just sailed around the world acting piratey and educating parrots. I'm sure that if we all worked together we could support them financially. Cost of living for a pirate can't be much. If they used sailboats, that would solve the fuel problem, and if we all chipped in a few coins I'm sure that would cover food, ale, eye patches, and some improved prosthetics for the legs. I bet they'd be alot less scary if the "pegleg" squeaked instead of thumped, and if the eye patch was made of hot pink satin. Also, they could learn to play harmonica or violin, or to play canasta, to while away the hours formerly devoted to pillaging.
I'm just trying to find a solution here that can keep the pirates around. Do we really want their extinction? Am I really the only one that read the news about pirates this month and had a tiny twinge of excitement upon seeing proof that they do still exist?
No, pirates should not be mean. I do NOT condone pirate attacks on innocent people. At the same time, no one condones shark attacks either, but you don't see us rushing to wipe them off the map. Oh no! They're ENDANGERED! (Ok, personally, sharks could go extinct and I wouldn't care. But still, some people would.)
Think of a world without pirates. How many schools would be without mascots? (I myself am an alumnus of the ETSU Buccaneers. Once a pirate, always a pirate). How many halloween costumes would be meaningless? How many jokes would lose their humor (I have a good one....ask me sometime)? How many theme park rides would cease to bring squeals of delight to generation after generation? Where would we hear fantastic terms like "swab the poop deck" if not for pirates?
I have thought long and hard about my world without pirates, and I can tell you, it is NOT pretty.
So here's my solution, for civilians and pirates:
Civilians: mind your own business. Don't go messing with the pirate population and throwing off the whole balance of nature. They're more scared of you than you are of them. Ok, they're not, but they probably don't care about you one way or another. You're just jealous that your boat wasn't attacked, so you don't have a cool story on CNN. Get over it and don't take it out on the pirates.
Pirates: Don't shoot people. Don't throw knives. Keep the "aarrrrrggggghhhh" to a minimum in mixed company. Be nice to cruise liners. Instead of attacking them for their gold coins and jewels, just pull up next to their boat and act like you're going to attack--shake your fist and grin with your rotten little teeth at them--for good measure one of you can swing from a rope attached to the mast. And then, just at the last minute, throw back your hands and yell "JUST KIDDING!"
Civilians: When the pirates do this, it's your turn to laugh. Then you can invite them on the boat for dinner and all watch a movie or something together. Give them a good solid pat on the back on their way back to their boat and say "Keep on keepin' on, pirate." If they refuse to leave your ship, I think you're entitled to throw fruit, but not bananas. You could put out their good eyes with the pointy ends of those things!
It's a simple plan, really. I know that it will take some adjustment on both sides, but in the end I think we all get what we want.
For peace, for love, for pirates, give it a chance.
That something--or more correctly, someone--is the pirate.
On 5 November, 2005, pirates attempted an attack on a 440 foot cruise liner off the coast of Somalia, and now the ensuing search for the "mother ship" has begun. The goal is to find these harbingers of maritime terror, bring them to justice, and ensure that the waters of this planet are crime-free.
But do we really want to be rid of pirates?
What if the pirates promised not to be mean, gave up their guns, and just sailed around the world acting piratey and educating parrots. I'm sure that if we all worked together we could support them financially. Cost of living for a pirate can't be much. If they used sailboats, that would solve the fuel problem, and if we all chipped in a few coins I'm sure that would cover food, ale, eye patches, and some improved prosthetics for the legs. I bet they'd be alot less scary if the "pegleg" squeaked instead of thumped, and if the eye patch was made of hot pink satin. Also, they could learn to play harmonica or violin, or to play canasta, to while away the hours formerly devoted to pillaging.
I'm just trying to find a solution here that can keep the pirates around. Do we really want their extinction? Am I really the only one that read the news about pirates this month and had a tiny twinge of excitement upon seeing proof that they do still exist?
No, pirates should not be mean. I do NOT condone pirate attacks on innocent people. At the same time, no one condones shark attacks either, but you don't see us rushing to wipe them off the map. Oh no! They're ENDANGERED! (Ok, personally, sharks could go extinct and I wouldn't care. But still, some people would.)
Think of a world without pirates. How many schools would be without mascots? (I myself am an alumnus of the ETSU Buccaneers. Once a pirate, always a pirate). How many halloween costumes would be meaningless? How many jokes would lose their humor (I have a good one....ask me sometime)? How many theme park rides would cease to bring squeals of delight to generation after generation? Where would we hear fantastic terms like "swab the poop deck" if not for pirates?
I have thought long and hard about my world without pirates, and I can tell you, it is NOT pretty.
So here's my solution, for civilians and pirates:
Civilians: mind your own business. Don't go messing with the pirate population and throwing off the whole balance of nature. They're more scared of you than you are of them. Ok, they're not, but they probably don't care about you one way or another. You're just jealous that your boat wasn't attacked, so you don't have a cool story on CNN. Get over it and don't take it out on the pirates.
Pirates: Don't shoot people. Don't throw knives. Keep the "aarrrrrggggghhhh" to a minimum in mixed company. Be nice to cruise liners. Instead of attacking them for their gold coins and jewels, just pull up next to their boat and act like you're going to attack--shake your fist and grin with your rotten little teeth at them--for good measure one of you can swing from a rope attached to the mast. And then, just at the last minute, throw back your hands and yell "JUST KIDDING!"
Civilians: When the pirates do this, it's your turn to laugh. Then you can invite them on the boat for dinner and all watch a movie or something together. Give them a good solid pat on the back on their way back to their boat and say "Keep on keepin' on, pirate." If they refuse to leave your ship, I think you're entitled to throw fruit, but not bananas. You could put out their good eyes with the pointy ends of those things!
It's a simple plan, really. I know that it will take some adjustment on both sides, but in the end I think we all get what we want.
For peace, for love, for pirates, give it a chance.
posted by kelly_w at 8:36 PM
8 comments
