More thoughts on Home
Living cross culturally makes home a very fluid concept sometimes. I remember reading something when I first moved here about cultural adjustment. I don't remember the quote exactly, but it goes something like this :
First, you miss home. Then you feel like no place is home. Later, you realize that every place is home. Finally, you come to the realization that your home is not of this earth.
It's not an exact quote, but that's the general feeling of it. I read the quote over 2 years ago, in early 2004. It stuck with me then because I missed home and needed to be reassured that this would pass. It did pass.
It sticks with me now for different reasons.
The culture a person comes from shapes them--their worldview, their language, their mannerisms, the way they think and process information. But what happens when you experience more than one culture? What happens when you see your own from the outside?
Your opinions change and then change again. Your working definition of normal usually lasts about 3-6 months before it has to be redefined. "Where are you from?" becomes an increasingly difficult question to answer.
And once in a while there are these moments of clarity--sometimes wonderful, sometimes painful. Sometimes it comes through an article on the news, a movie, or a conversation. A sudden realization of something else that has changed. I am watching The Motorcycle Diaries with a couple friends right now, and am typing this quote from the movie as I watch because it sums it up better than I can.
"Yo ya no soy yo. Por lo menos no soy el mismo yo anterior"
Translation: I'm not me anymore, at least I'm not the same me I was.
This is where I am right now. But as I started to whine about it today, this is the conversation that happened in my heart.
I don't know where home is.
"Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."
I may never be understood again, in Spain or in the U.S.
He was despised and rejected.
I can't have a normal life anymore--not even sure what it is--not even sure I want it.
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing.
God, I long for the day that I can honestly know down to my very bones that my home is with You. When I no longer need to be justified, understood, right, accepted, or normal. When I can rejoice in seeing your reflection on the faces of everyone, and that reflection reminds me I am home. I know this in my head. Jesus, teach my heart.
"Yo ya no soy yo. Por lo menos no soy el mismo yo anterior."