tired ramblings and thoughts about a sabbath
I should be in bed right now--I'm ridiculously tired and there's no reason for me to be awake, much less blogging. Oh well. Beware that this blog may ramble a bit.
Today we had the Christmas brunch with Mountainview out in the suburbs--I sang along with the jazz band during the cafe part and led worship during the service with a few carols. Nothing big, but enough to wear a person out. There's something about leading worship which makes you about 400 times more tired than just being in the worship band. I enjoyed it, though. Christmas carols are more interesting to sing and more difficult, so even though I found out that this makes them harder to lead, I love singing challenging stuff.
Things are slowing down here for the next couple weeks, and I'm ready for it. I've been back almost a month, and I feel like I haven't quite "landed" all the way yet. December is a crazy month, following several crazy months of furlough beforehand! I'm not whining, I promise. I'm soooo glad to be back. I just need to go to bed.
My refrigerator is empty because I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, my computer desk still isn't put together, I still have 2 boxes of office stuff that I evidently "needed" enough to move here from the last place, but I don't even know what's in there. My floors are about 2 weeks past being in desperate need of a good mopping, and don't even get me started on laundry! After the Christmas party in my apartment tomorrow night, it's time to get started on this stuff.
Half of me is excited to have the down time to check all these things off of my list. Ok, not half. More like a fifth. The other 80% knows that what I really want to do is spend at least 2 days fatting around in my pajamas, staring at the wall--kind of my own little "busyness detox" program. Then I'll knock all the other stuff out in one day, and then I'll go hang out with the Cady's and the Crulls for Christmas (too many C's--I feel like the oddball).
One thing I really want to do in the next couple weeks is to stop doing what I just did in the last paragraph--plan, plan, plan. I don't want to worry about being productive or professional. I want to rest.
And refocus.
I was on the bus tonight, and had a good amount of time to sit and think, and the thought just kept popping into my head that I'm sometimes so desperate to be productive. For what? For God? I tell myself so, but in the end I think it's often just because I want to feel productive. I want to look at what I've done in a week and say "Wow! Look how much I've worked this week! Look at how many people I've met with and how many projects I've started/finished/worked on! Look how spotless my living room is and how great a hostess for community group I am! Watch me serve!" Who, honestly, am I trying to impress? Nobody's looking but me. Any of you who have ever lived with me or been in my house know I'm pretty crap at keeping clean house anyway.
Maybe (ok, definitely) God knew what He was doing when He created a Sabbath for rest. The more I look at the pattern of productivity obsession that I tend to fall into, the more I realize that God doesn't just want me to rest because He knows I'm tired. He wants me to rest because He knows I'm proud. He knows that I need a physical reminder that the world keeps turning even when I'm not productive. I'm not the center of the universe after all. He is big enough to work even when my boxes are unpacked and floors are dirty and laundry is a mess and projects are half finished or not even started. I'm thinking God created Sabbath because He wants something deeper from me than my productivity, and even though I know it, I need to be reminded again and again.
So I think I'll take those 2 days in my pajamas staring at the wall, and see what happens after that. I may take a 3rd day.
For now, I'm going to bed.
Today we had the Christmas brunch with Mountainview out in the suburbs--I sang along with the jazz band during the cafe part and led worship during the service with a few carols. Nothing big, but enough to wear a person out. There's something about leading worship which makes you about 400 times more tired than just being in the worship band. I enjoyed it, though. Christmas carols are more interesting to sing and more difficult, so even though I found out that this makes them harder to lead, I love singing challenging stuff.
Things are slowing down here for the next couple weeks, and I'm ready for it. I've been back almost a month, and I feel like I haven't quite "landed" all the way yet. December is a crazy month, following several crazy months of furlough beforehand! I'm not whining, I promise. I'm soooo glad to be back. I just need to go to bed.
My refrigerator is empty because I haven't had time to go to the grocery store, my computer desk still isn't put together, I still have 2 boxes of office stuff that I evidently "needed" enough to move here from the last place, but I don't even know what's in there. My floors are about 2 weeks past being in desperate need of a good mopping, and don't even get me started on laundry! After the Christmas party in my apartment tomorrow night, it's time to get started on this stuff.
Half of me is excited to have the down time to check all these things off of my list. Ok, not half. More like a fifth. The other 80% knows that what I really want to do is spend at least 2 days fatting around in my pajamas, staring at the wall--kind of my own little "busyness detox" program. Then I'll knock all the other stuff out in one day, and then I'll go hang out with the Cady's and the Crulls for Christmas (too many C's--I feel like the oddball).
One thing I really want to do in the next couple weeks is to stop doing what I just did in the last paragraph--plan, plan, plan. I don't want to worry about being productive or professional. I want to rest.
And refocus.
I was on the bus tonight, and had a good amount of time to sit and think, and the thought just kept popping into my head that I'm sometimes so desperate to be productive. For what? For God? I tell myself so, but in the end I think it's often just because I want to feel productive. I want to look at what I've done in a week and say "Wow! Look how much I've worked this week! Look at how many people I've met with and how many projects I've started/finished/worked on! Look how spotless my living room is and how great a hostess for community group I am! Watch me serve!" Who, honestly, am I trying to impress? Nobody's looking but me. Any of you who have ever lived with me or been in my house know I'm pretty crap at keeping clean house anyway.
Maybe (ok, definitely) God knew what He was doing when He created a Sabbath for rest. The more I look at the pattern of productivity obsession that I tend to fall into, the more I realize that God doesn't just want me to rest because He knows I'm tired. He wants me to rest because He knows I'm proud. He knows that I need a physical reminder that the world keeps turning even when I'm not productive. I'm not the center of the universe after all. He is big enough to work even when my boxes are unpacked and floors are dirty and laundry is a mess and projects are half finished or not even started. I'm thinking God created Sabbath because He wants something deeper from me than my productivity, and even though I know it, I need to be reminded again and again.
So I think I'll take those 2 days in my pajamas staring at the wall, and see what happens after that. I may take a 3rd day.
For now, I'm going to bed.
posted by kelly_w at 10:11 PM
1 Comments:
It makes you wonder sometimes, doesn't it: why DOES God love me? He doesn't love me less if I am less productive, which also means He doesn't love me more if I do more.
I was reading last night in Jeremiah 2, where God is just pouring out His broken heart. His people don't love Him AT ALL, but His love is still so obvious, even in the very pain He feels at their disinterest in Him. But why did He love them in the first place?
Isn't God sweet! He gives and gives and gives, and all He wants in return is love and glory. Nice.
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